THE PERFECT LETTER OF DIVORCE
Greetings, My Former Wife
I’m writing you this letter to let you know that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a decent man to you for the past seven years and have nothing to show for it. For the past two weeks, it’s been a nightmare. The final straw came when your boss contacted me to tell me you’d resigned from your job today. When you returned home last week, you didn’t even realise I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal, and was wearing a lovely new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes after watching all of your soaps and went straight to bed. You no longer express your love for me; you have no desire for sex or anything else that unites us as husband and wife. I’m out, either because you’re cheating on me or because you’ve lost interest in me.
Don’t bother looking for me. We’re both moving to West Virginia; your SISTER and I! Have a great life!
Dear Former and Ex-Husband,
More than anything else, receiving your message has cheered my day. True, you and I have been married for seven years, but a decent man isn’t the same as you. I watch a lot of soap operas because they block out your constant whining and griping. Unfortunately, this does not work. When you got your hair short last week, I did notice, but my initial thought was, “You look like a female!” I didn’t say anything since my mother taught me that if you can’t say something good, don’t say anything. When you cooked my favourite dinner, you must have confused me with MY SISTER because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. R looked away from you regarding the new silk boxers since the $49.99 price tag was still on them, hoping it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. Despite everything, I still loved you and had faith in our ability to work things out. So when I won the lottery for $10 million, I quit my job and bought my wife and me two tickets to Jamaica. When I returned home, though, you had vanished. Everything, I think, occurs for a reason. I wish you the joyous life you’ve always hoped for. According to my lawyer, the letter you wrote ensures that you will not receive any money from me. So proceed with caution.
Signed, Rich As Hell, and Free! Your Ex-Wife!
P.S. I’m not sure if I ever told you, but Carla is my sister’s name. I’m hoping this isn’t a problem.